Saturday, December 26, 2009
how crappy can my life get. hmm, i seriously do wonder. losing 3 loved ones within 6 months is seriously no joke. I can't believe what happen just within this short period of time. Being far far away from home makes it worse. It makes it even harder for one to accept whatever has happened is now a reality. quite crazy isn't it. And great, i even 'added' spice to my crappy enough life. haix. It hurts to even think about it. As much as I didn't want to. but I have no choice. As my mum says..it's my future happiness. How much litres of tears have I spent on him (excluding those for my 3 loved ones). First time in my life, I felt so vulnerable to emotions, so vulnerable to the actions of someone. I don't know if a normal relationship is supposed to be like that a not. Really, can't they have something like Relationship for Idiots or something. Tell me what's normal and what's not. What's screaming in your face to tell you that you are not suited for each other. or maybe everything will work out if you try to tolerate each other, or just because of love. Is that really so? What if you really do try to tolerate, out of love and whatever, but to only realise that you can't take it anymore 10 years later after you get married and stuff. Wouldn't that be terrible? you can still says it's not too late. There's divorce and stuff. BUT wouldn't it be better if people don't get blinded by love and see more clearly 10 years ago? Seriously, there's a variety of opinions on this. As much as I want to tolerate out of love, but knowing myself. this is almost impossible, especially in the long term. It's not that I didn't try..I tried. I really tried. I put my heart into it. Allowed it to be vulnerable to all these. I do agree that there are times where you will feel that you are the most happy person on earth. There will definitely be happy times. But, is it really normal to have a fair share of sad, painful times too? It's like when you think back, it is harder to retrieve those happy memories than the sad ones.
He told me what past has passed, what's important is the future. I really wanted to trust him on that. But I can't help thinking..Isn't that what I have told myself in the past? Isn't that what he told me when he first broke my heart? Isn't that what he told me during our subsequent arguments? I tried to just forgive and forget. Tried to just forget whatever had happened, whatever we were arguing about. It worked.it allowed us to move on...but..scars were left behind. All it takes is just one incident to rip open all the scars and remind you of the pain that you once experienced. But there's a numbing effect to it. It makes you numb to everything. Numb to love, numb to his apologies, numb to whatever he is trying to do to make you happy and accept him again. I don't know if I was affected by the loss of my grandmother, but this numbing effect it had, allowed me to see clearly what's really going wrong. It's none of our fault. All I want to say is that it's not your fault or mine that our personalities/characters/whatever is the root of all problems we are facing. I really wish this could be any easier for us to solve it and live happily ever after. but apparently it does not. And I really do not know any other ways to solve this. all I wanted was happiness. simple yet hard to get.
Interestingly, there's two sides to the coin...As much as I thought we are not suited for each other, he told me that he thought I was the right one for him. At that point of time, I was thinking..really? After all this that has happened? He made me doubt myself, my choice, my love for him. That troubled me quite a bit that night. It's not that I was undecided or regretted my choice, but I just can't help thinking if I made the right choice. It's terrible, making a choice to hurt someone.
I know he has given me a lot, loved me a lot, put in a lot for this relationship. I saw his change (slightly), it's not that I was totally blind towards it. That was the reason why I tried to forgive and forget previously. I thought, and almost convinced myself that it will be better, such things might not happen again. But, well, having something so rooted like character as the root of the problem, it's almost impossible to solve. The only solution is to tolerate. But how much can one tolerate. Can one tolerate that much pain because of love? Isn't love suppose to bring happiness? Isn't love means happily being together? Why would one want to put oneself through so much pain because of love? Was I wrong to just stop and reconsider, maybe he's not the right one for me?
What has been done cannot be undone. So shall move on...
